This month of March has been so revealing. The Holy Spirit has been showing areas in my heart that need to be scrubbed clean. The little corners that hold Camillo accountable to my unfair expectations. Or the pieces that I've let remain hard and calloused for the sake of self-protection. The spaces that I've tried to fill with petty things instead of walking out my new identity in Christ.
I know it's good for me but ya know what? It hurts really bad. Yesterday morning I was telling Jesus how I'm tired. I kinda feel like I've been beaten up. I just want to duck and cover. For the first time ever, I am physically, mentally, emotionally feeling the weight of my sins. I don't mean I've never felt regret or remorse for them. But before, it was easier to brush them off and claim my salvation. I know Jesus died for my sins but He's God so He could handle it. That was my attitude.
Along with revealing my heart, Jesus has been revealing Himself to me in a new way. He came to earth as a human being. He wasn't here as Superman. He had a heart that pulsed blood just like any of us. So when they whipped Him, it was blindingly painful. And He felt it. When they shoved a crown of thorns into His scalp, it burned like fire. And He felt it. When He took my sins upon His shoulders, they were heavy and heart wrenching and treacherous. And He felt the weight of every one of them. Every one of mine and every one of yours.
This week I've only felt a teeny tiny pinch compared to what Jesus endured for me. It's been painful and exhausting but if I didn't feel that, I couldn't appreciate the enormity of the cross and the man who took my death sentence. Because He loves me. I killed Him with my sins and He still loves me. It's a very somber revelation but it's the absolute truth. In this truth there's hope! He took our sins so that we can live. I choose Jesus and I choose life!!